After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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