my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I did not marry a roomba.
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