he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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