I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
