The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
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I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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