you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
