Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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