Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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