One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
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Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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