Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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