we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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