Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Everything about him screamed your future.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
