The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
