I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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