By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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