Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
