Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
