I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
