New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
