My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
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I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize