Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I need water and some morals
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
