That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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