Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I supernannyed him into submission
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
