I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
