Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
