take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
