Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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