I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
