I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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