i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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