Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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