Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
