I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
