There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
