I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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