So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
