I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
