it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
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The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
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We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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