Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
