The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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