i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
