i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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