so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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