i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
