While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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