The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
