i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
