I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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