I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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