I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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