I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
