does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
