At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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