im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
