How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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