also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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