you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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