What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
