The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
