I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
