apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You've changed since you got that strap on
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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