I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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